Integrating the fear of being disliked

Most of the people I help grow— even if they don’t know it at first— are deeply afraid of being disliked by other people. 

I can tell because once they untangle this very fear, issues that seemingly have little to do with social interaction get resolved: chronic pain, depression, self-loathing, avoidance of applying for dream jobs, insomnia, and more.

Your failure has payoffs

In my practice, I assume that the nervous system is basically rational. (As rational as a distributed system can be, at least.) So when someone comes to me with a goal they’re failing to achieve, I assume that there’s a payoff to failing that hasn’t been integrated.

If you’ve been stuck on something for years, how else could it be?

That said, these payoffs are difficult to access consciously, and usually must be found by investigating unconscious predictions. 

So I show them how to access their unconscious predictions (for example, by feeling feelings in their body), and they perform a query “What bad thing happens if I <have what I want>?” They listen for what arises in their awareness.

After a couple of rounds, what eventually comes up for them is something like, “Then other people will be mad at me.”¹

So I ask, “How would you like to feel/be instead?”

Inevitably, they say something along the lines of feeling good about themselves regardless of what others think.

I have them try on the feeling/state/mindset of what that’s like.

What are the predicted payoffs?

Now, again with them in contact with their unconscious predictions, I tell them to ask that feeling (the feeling they want!), “What bad things happen if I feel this?” and just listen.

What comes up is different for everyone, but here are some plausible ones:

If I don’t care what others think, I’ll become a jerk and hurt people.

If I feel safe no matter what, I won’t be motivated to improve myself.

If I’m not vigilant about others’ opinions, I’ll miss important social cues and end up alone.

They’re usually surprised by what comes up. But it feels true to them. And they see how these unconscious predictions incentivize being insecure.

Next, we do integration.

What would you like to do/feel instead?

To grow, they must find a better strategy that integrates all of the “bad things”.

So I ask, “What would you like to do about that?… What does that feel like?…”

At some point in this process, they get it.

For example, they find a way to feel good and feel motivated to improve themself. A way to feel good and be cautious. Etc.

I can tell it works because earlier their thinking seemed confused and convoluted—

But now it’s crystal clear. No anxiety or avoidance, just clarity.

I tell them to remember this feeling. They can call it up whenever they want.

Finally, to cap it off, we also do some (imagined) stress-testing. But I’ll save that for another post.

Pay-on-results personal growth: first success

Locally optimal psychology

I didn’t have to avoid you; I was just insecure

Feeling part of a greater whole

Feel secure — Pay only for results

Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj un, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.

See what I’m up to now.

1. This is the essence of social-emotional insecurity: They have one or more unconscious predictions that go, “The only way I can <feel how I want> is if other people <do what I want>.”