Most of the people I help grow— even if they don’t know it at first— are deeply afraid of being disliked by other people.
I can tell because once they untangle this very fear, issues that seemingly have little to do with social interaction get resolved: chronic pain, depression, self-loathing, avoidance of applying for dream jobs, insomnia, and more.
Your failure has payoffs
In my practice, I assume that the nervous system is basically rational. So when a client comes to me with a goal they’re failing to achieve, I assume that there’s a payoff to failing that they haven’t integrated.
If you’ve been stuck on something for years — like many of my clients were — how else could it be?
These payoffs are difficult to access consciously, and usually must be found by investigating their unconscious predictions.
I show them how to access their unconscious predictions, and they perform a query, “What bad thing happens if I get what I want?”
After a couple of rounds, what eventually comes up for them is something like, “Then other people will be mad at me.”
This is the essence of social-emotional insecurity: They have one or more unconscious predictions that go, “The only way I can <feel how I want> is if other people <do what I want>.”
At this point in the conversation, I might respond: “Do you want to keep living in a world where that’s true?”
“No!”
“What would you like instead?”
“…To always feel safe no matter what other people think.”
Next we repeat the same process, but this time on the goal, “To always feel safe no matter what other people think.”
What are the payoffs for you?
Again, with them in contact with their unconscious predictions, I ask, “Do you notice any resistance to having that feeling, even in a situation where others might be mad at you? Do any associations appear in your mind?”
They might eventually respond:
I notice an “If I don’t care what others think, I’ll become a jerk and hurt people.”
There’s a “If I feel safe no matter what, I won’t be motivated to improve myself.”
“If I’m not vigilant about others’ opinions, I’ll miss important social cues and end up alone.”
Clients are usually surprised by what comes up. Then they see how these associations form payoffs for being insecure.
Finally, we investigate these potential unconscious confusions.
Just Untangle the Gordian Knot
Their insecurity was chasing a payoff, yeah, but my clients have always found strategies that are more effective and/or require less suffering.
To move forward, I might say,
You’re withholding a feeling of safety to prevent yourself from becoming a jerk. But it seems that you already care about not being a jerk, even without the lack of safety feeling. Do you see that too? Something seems confused there to me
So if you feel safe, you won’t be motivated to improve yourself, is that right?
Do you want to be interacting with people who don’t tell you how they feel? What would you like?
(FWIW, my responses largely depend on their situation.)
At some point in this process, they get it. Most clients burst into laughter when this happens. The insight seems to permeate their mind, and they report positive sensations enveloping their whole body. They release their mental contradiction— sometimes so much that they forget they had ever been confused in the first place.
When they told me about their issue before, their thinking seemed confused and convoluted.
But now, it’s crystal clear. There’s no anxiety or avoidance.
Everyone claps.
In 0.5–3 hours, we can frequently make significant progress on issues they’ve been stuck on for years: chronic pain, depression, self-loathing, avoidance of applying for dream jobs, insomnia, etc.
Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.
See what I’m up to now.
Hey Chris, I am curious what you make of this train of thoughts... One of the experience (maybe even the experience) I enjoyed most in my life is that of "feeling understood." Particularly in the context of romantic relationships (or those with even a whiff of romantic feelings involved), getting to a point where the other person becomes a mirror of my soul, making it possible for me to see that there is no "tendency of rejection" (of what I know myself to be, after examining the reflection) is incredibly "heart opening." And, well, yes this experience seems to be pre-conditioned on the other person *being willing* to take the role as mirror (together with some serious skills on their part, maybe). I wouldn't say that that is exactly the same as "being liked" by the other person, but certainly requires some willingness on their part.
Which then brings me to the question: if this experience is of such great importance (to my nervous system, which attributes incredibly high "meaning value" to it), and at the same time it does require another person's willingness to engage with me in a way that makes this experience possible, it then seems not entirely unreasonable to "fear being disliked"...?
That is of course different from *feeling safe* (no matter what other people think). So, maybe the question is how much do you think people -- particularly those who are among the people with the highest material safety of all humans that have ever lived -- really are struggling with safety, or are they struggling with an ever decreasing willingness of others (including themselves *for* others) to truly *see* others...?