I didn't have to avoid you; I was just insecure

Jul 18, 2024

The first time we spoke, you asked questions that felt invasive. I didn’t want that to happen again, so I avoided you from then on.

So when you said “Hi” at a party a year later and suggested we catch up, I hesitated. But curiosity won out.

You still asked probing questions — “Why did you quit your job?” — “What did you think of your manager? I hear they don't have a great reputation.”

These weren't questions I wanted to answer. But this time, something was different.

In the past, I would’ve felt compelled to answer. But now I just said: “Mm, I don’t want to answer that question”, “I don’t want to gossip”, and even a cheeky, “No comment :)”

It didn’t even take effort! That surprised me. You seemed awkward for a moment, but then we spoke about other topics.

I realized that by avoiding you, I was protecting myself with physical distance… But instead I could protect myself with “No.”

So simple…

Too simple?

Why didn’t I think of that before??

Oh: When I first met you, I was very very afraid of rejecting others.

I didn’t even “know” it. It was deeply suppressed. But the pattern fits the data.

It seems I was so afraid of this, that when you asked me those questions when we met for the first time, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I could decline to answer.

If I declined a question, there was a quick and unconscious prediction that you could get mad, and that would make me feel terrible about myself.

So that’s why I didn’t decline your questions when we first met. And that’s why I avoided you with physical distance. (And why I avoided everyone later that year.)

But I’m more secure now, so I don’t have to do that.

P.S.: I notice I like you more now. Once I didn’t have to avoid you, I didn’t have to think that you were a bad person. You actually have many qualities I admire: Passion for work, precise and careful reasoning. And now that I can be closer to you, I can learn from you without fear.