I didn't have to avoid you; I was just insecure
The first time we spoke, you asked me some questions that felt invasive. I didn’t want that to happen again, so I avoided you after that point.
So when you said “Hi” at a party a year later and suggested we catch up, I hesitated. But curiosity won out.
You still asked probing questions like “Why did you quit your job?” and “What did you think of your manager? I hear they don't have a great social reputation.”
These weren't questions I wanted to answer. But this time, something was different. I had changed.
In the past, I would have felt compelled to answer. But this time I just said: “Mm, I don’t want to answer that question”, “I don’t want to gossip”, and even a cheeky, “No comment :)”
It didn’t even take effort! That surprised me. You seemed a little awkward about it, but then we just spoke about other things.
I realized that by avoiding you, I was protecting myself from you with physical distance.
But instead I could protect myself from you with “No.”
So simple…
Too simple?
Why didn’t I think of that before??
Oh: When I first met you, I was very very afraid of rejecting others.
I didn’t even “know it”, it was deeply suppressed. But the pattern fits the data.
It seems I was so afraid of this, that when you asked me those questions when we met for the first time, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I could decline to answer.
If I declined a question, there was a quick and unconscious prediction that you could get mad, and that would make me feel terrible about myself.
So that’s why I didn’t decline your questions when we first met. And that’s why I avoided you with physical distance. (And why I avoided everyone later that year.)
But I’m more secure now, so I don’t have to do that.
P.S.: I notice I like you more now. Once I didn’t have to avoid you, I didn’t have to think that you were a bad person. You actually have many qualities I admire: Passion for work, precise and careful reasoning. And now that I can be closer to you, I can learn from you without fear.
Addendum: Beliefs I have
Emotional security is the absence of insecurities
In this model, emotional security is achieved by the absence of emotional insecurities— ie: I had those unconscious predictions like, “If something bad outside of my control happens, then I’m not going to be able to feel okay.” But it seems I unlearned most of mine. I don’t encounter situations that make me anxious in that way anymore, and I can’t imagine any new ones either. Rejecting others (and being rejected by others, same thing) has ceased to carry much unnecessary emotional weight.
(The one exception I can think of is if I was afraid that someone was going to physically harm me. But that’s rare.)
It’s about present predictions, not past trauma
One might wonder, “What happened to you? What trauma caused your inability to say ‘No’?” But that’s all irrelevant. All that matters is that I had that unconscious prediction in that present moment.
Besides, once I understood my issue, it was surprisingly easy to untangle.
Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.
See what I’m up to now.
Thank you for articulating this -- I seem to be in a very similar place right now.