2022. I was depressed. There’s five months where I couldn’t tell you what I did.
I remember wondering during that time, “Why am I so depressed? Why are my emotions so irrational? Why is my brain so dumb?”
At the same time, social interactions were not going as I wanted:
I was having trouble making close friends.
I would like a woman and then never hear from her again. This happened a few times.
Whenever I expressed any kind of disapproval, those around me seemed to get mad at me.
And I didn’t “realize” it, but interacting with others felt unsafe.
Separately, something about me is when I’m depressed and low energy, I don’t want to interact with other people.
So, if interacting with other people was unsafe, then one way for me to be safe was to be depressed.
Maybe I didn’t have a ‘dumb brain’ after all…
What if my depression wasn’t a problem? What if it was actually a solution to a different problem?
If so, my problem wasn’t “being depressed” as I had thought. Instead, it was not knowing how to interact with other people in a way that felt safe.
Once I found this, I worked on unlearning these insecurities with a counselor. Eventually my fears were handled and I didn’t need to be depressed anymore.
Also, while I was depressed I had moved to the middle of nowhere — conveniently far from almost anyone I might have wanted to talk to. But within three weeks of this shift I moved to a big city and had 10x as much social interaction. I have not needed to be depressed again in 18+ months since.
Seeing my depression as potentially part of a helpful strategy in the present helped me grow.
