Yes, even self-loathing has a payoff

Let’s systematize how to overcome self-loathing.

I used to think self-loathing was just bad. Then I realized it was trying to protect me. 

I felt pretty bad about myself when I first realized that I was emotionally numb. “Why am I rejecting my feelings? That’s so bad!”

But ultimately, I noticed that my self-rejection was chasing a payoff.

By “payoff” I mean an unconscious benefit or protection that is predicted to come from the behavior — even if it’s not ideal:

I asked the expansive feeling I wanted to feel in my chest, “What bad thing happens if we’re aware of our feelings?”

I heard:

• "Being aware of my feelings will make us less productive"

• "Expressing negative emotions will make others angry!"

• "Negative feelings will be harmful!"

No wonder I felt emotionally numb! [Continued: See how I untangled it.]

Even my self-loathing was for a payoff! 

I was just trying to stay safe! Once I saw this, I couldn’t dislike myself for that anymore.

(Something similar helped me accept— and ultimately undo— my depression.)

Many times I’ve guided clients of mine through the same process when they dislike themself. Here’s a sketch:

1. “What would you like instead?” Self-love. (Identifying the desired state)

2. “How does self-love feel when you do have it? Where in your body?” (Connecting with the desired state)

3. “OK. Now ask that feeling, What bad thing happens if we have this in all situations? Tell me what associations come into your awareness.” (Uncovering unconscious fears)

4. I pay attention to what they say, and ask incisive questions to bring their attention to potential unconscious confusions. (Socratic dialogue)

Most commonly, the response they get from their unconscious parts is like, 

If I love myself, then other people will get mad at me.

So self-loathing becomes a strategy: If you dislike yourself first, you'll do less, interact less, and fewer people will get mad at you.

But I don’t tell my clients this. All I do is ask them Socratic questions. Surprisingly, everyone I’ve done this with so far has realized that self-loathing was just an attempt to stay safe. 

Even their self-loathing comes from self-love! How else could it be?

Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.

Related:

Why growth can be hard: Unconscious Predictions

Emotional issues often have an immediate payoff.

The feedback loop “I dislike that I dislike myself” seems to have also partly caused my chronic neck pain:

I created muscle tension to avoid my feelings

See what I’m up to now.