what becoming more secure does to a mfer

After I quit my job two years ago, I was conflict-avoidant to the point of depression. I did ~nothing for five months and moved in with my parents in the middle of nowhere.

Social conflicts used to rip me up. I would be anxious for days, sometimes months. 

I was so avoidant of feelings I didn’t know they manifested in the body! (See also.)

Then, with a nudge from a good friend and help from a skilled counselor, I began some rapid growth. 

And I didn’t have the terms for it yet, but I began deconstructing my emotional insecurities one-by-one:

Becoming more secure

As I became less emotionally insecure, my depression, social anxiety, and avoidance fell away. I found healthier strategies, so they were no longer locally optimal.

With a secure baseline, I moved cities, pivoted careers, and began building a much more aligned life for myself. Since then:

• Direct my own human alignment research (like this post) funded by donors.

• Produced small AI safety workshops with attendees like davidad.

• Run unhinged, sometimes intentionally awkward social events:

People enjoying horror movies is proof they will enjoy ‘horror events’

Previously, I would have been too afraid to do these things mostly for fear of getting into conflict with others. And while I still get into many similar situations, they no longer register as “conflicts” that I feel avoidant of or anxious about.

(I was also fortunate to have some financial security during this time in the form of a consistent ~6 months of runway.)

Boundaries are intuitive to me now. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did something because of guilt or manipulation by others.

(I’m actually somewhat conflict-seeking now. Conflicts are often fun and informative!)

“Try to make me as anxious as possible.”

Even my cuticles became securely attached!

Beginning ~7 years ago, my cuticles were consistently disheveled. I would pick at them when I felt anxious. But sometime within the last year, my cuticles completely healed. This was not the result of any new skincare methods and not the result of “willpower”. I think I’m just significantly less anxious so I don’t pick at them anymore.

• I’m much more present and flinch away from many fewer aspects of my experience — resulting in more empathy and less chronic pain. 

• I do fewer unwanted self-fulfilling prophecies. 

• I’m more intuitive and know more about my body.

• I like my friends more.

• It’s easier to feel part of a greater whole.

• Less Tanha.

• Sex is better.

• My sense of smell is a little better / I ignore it less (still working on this).

• …

But, still growing!

@ChrisChipMonk | chris@chrislakin.com | chrislakin.com/now

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