Becoming more secure changed my life.
After I quit my job, I was conflict-avoidant to the point of depression. I did ~nothing for five months and moved in with my parents in the middle of nowhere.
Social conflicts used to rip me up. I would be anxious for days, sometimes months.
I was so avoidant of feelings I didn’t know they manifested in the body.
So I began some rapid growth.
I didn’t have the terms for it yet, but I began deconstructing my emotional insecurities one-by-one:
Becoming more secure
As I became less emotionally insecure, my depression, social anxiety, and avoidance fell away. I found healthier strategies, so they were no longer locally optimal.
With a secure baseline, I moved cities, pivoted careers, and began building a much more aligned life for myself. Since then:
Direct my own human alignment research funded by patrons.
Produced small AI safety workshops for davidad.
Run unhinged, sometimes intentionally awkward social events:
Previously, I would have been too afraid to do these things mostly for fear of getting into conflict with others. And while I still get into many similar situations, they no longer register as “conflicts” that I feel avoidant of or anxious about.
(I was also fortunate to have some financial security during this time in the form of a consistent ~6 months of runway.)
Boundaries are effortless now. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did something because of guilt or manipulation by others.
If anything, I’m conflict-seeking now. Conflicts are often fun and informative!
Even my cuticles became securely attached! (I used to pick at them when I felt anxious.)
I’m much more present and flinch away from many fewer aspects of my experience — resulting in more empathy and less chronic pain.
I do fewer unwanted self-fulfilling prophecies.
I’m more intuitive and know more about my body.
I like my friends more.
Sex is more fun.
Less Tanha.
It’s easier to feel part of a greater whole.