There are two ways to manage insecurity. The first one is to learn a bunch of techniques to subdue it every time you have symptoms. The second is to unlearn the insecurity so it stops triggering entirely.
These two approaches don’t just apply to insecurity, they’re fully general. They’re the two ways to grow: by adding and by subtracting. By learning and by unlearning.
Learning is acquiring new skills: how to ride a bike, new communication techniques, new breathing techniques. Like “adding code” to the mind.
Unlearning is the removal of (previously learned) harmful patterns: deleting social anxiety, interrupting self-loathing, undoing the tensions that create chronic pain. “Deleting code” from the mind.
People often over-index on learning at the expense of unlearning.
Similarly, most growth advice focuses on learning, not unlearning. You’ve probably heard advice like “learn to set boundaries”, “learn nonviolent communication”, “learn to be present”, “learn to say No”, “learn to handle conflicts well”, “learn to accept yourself”. Maybe you've even given this advice yourself.
But… none of these—setting boundaries, being present, saying no…—require much learning! Actually, they mostly require unlearning: unlearning what blocks these natural capacities.
When people feel safe, they excel at being present, expressing desires, and saying no, even if they never studied ‘how to set boundaries’ or learned ‘authentic communication’ techniques! These so-called “skills” are totally natural.1
Relaxation, love, self-acceptance, happiness, flow… all of these are effortless defaults that get papered over by learned tensions. We don’t learn how to do them. We unlearn the tensions that obstruct their natural flow.
I used to have immense trouble with saying No, being in conflict, “accepting myself”, etc., and now I just… don't. The same is true for what used to be my largest insecurity: dating. I’d get anxious and weird, overthink, and be extremely risk-averse. Then I unlearned it and, finally, when my current girlfriend and I got together, my body had so little tension it just felt pleasantly… “hollow”. (Almost2) no insecurities arose.
Another example found in the wild:
When insecurities get unlearned, not only do they stop getting triggered, but its memory can be wiped.3
You may wonder, “But, if they’re ‘natural’, why are they so uncommon?” Answer: because there are incentives to be bad at them.
There were two, but they were very small. They evaporated once I noticed them.