The time I almost dated a subscriber

How I learned I was insecure

We find a bench and sit not side-by-side, but facing each other. She had seemed shy a moment ago, but now her eyes are locked on mine.

She leans forward and two minutes flow by. She tells me, “You have the intense and playful presence of a cat.”

The distance between us shrinks. She asks me about my controversial diet, how I write, and if I have thoughts on polyamory. 

Finally, our kneecaps clink together. She mentions her boyfriend.

I hold in my surprise. She continues nonchalantly, mentioning that he’s not interested in talking about these kinds of topics.

Half an hour passes in six minutes, and I have to go. My heart feels warm, and my mind didn’t expect to find someone I liked this soon after my last relationship. I stand up for the third and final time in that conversation. Before I go, she says, “I want to talk about love later.”

I find her again at the end of the day and we talk of seagulls, chipmunks, and (finally) unconditional love. After an hour she has to go, but before she does, she leans into my shoulder, and we hug for the first time. I pick her up as we do, and when she’s back on Earth she looks me in the eye. Her final words: “That was a journey.” 

…

Me: I’d like to talk with you more, let me know if you’re around in Boston for long
Her: Yeah, I hope to be back :)
*she sends the photos she took of us*
Her: ^Thanks for making me very happy

…

Me: My housemate keeps killing her plants lol
Her: Do we have the same housemate :0
Me: Yours doesn’t have a cute australian shepherd though
Her: You don’t know that
Her: Visit me and I’ll show you.
Me: k so you want me to visit you so you can show me corpses of murdered plants
Her: so I can show you MY housemate and HER cute australian shepherd 

…

Me: I am traveling from Bos to nyc on Monday, I'd be willing to meet up if you're free.
Her: I’m actually flying into nyc on sunday night and would be back home by monday. Would’ve booked a later flight if I’d known!
Her: Irrelevant: I dreamt of you two nights ago. You’re walking around old campus where I grew up. I run up to you, grab your hand (yeah dramatic I know), and apologize for not having written sooner as promised. Then we stroll down that tree-lined avenue I knew so well as a kid and talk. I guess talking wasn’t so hard after all
Her: Later this is reprised on a frozen lake— I run into you on a wooden boardwalk carrying my camera; we talk again, this time as old friends. The sun is bleeding over the ice, crimson-pink like himalayan salt, trees rising out of the horizon dark as charcoal. THEN dream cam cuts to apocalyptic drama— we are stuck with a panicked crowd on top of a very tall bus and are told to just leap down to safety when I suddenly realize I don’t know where my dog is, etc… Ok, sorry I’ll stop

…

A month after we last saw each other, I visited her for an afternoon. She picks me up at the train station, and we walk to her place. Eventually we gravitate to her bedroom and she introduces me to her stuffed animals. 

We’re sitting on her bed and holding sweaty hands when I tuck her hair behind her ear. She watches me, totally still. I lean in to kiss her for the first time. 

But before we do, a thought crosses my mind— “Are you still exclusive with him?”— I stop. 

She is. 

Sadness flashes across her face, she lets go of my hand, and she changes the topic: “Wanna go for a walk?” 

“Sure.” We leave, though not before hugging for two minutes. 

We wander. Whenever there’s silence, she fills it.

She leads us to a sunny hillside and when we get there she jumps in the grass and invites me to lay with her. Being with her is effortless.

We spend another two hours together until I have to go. But she talks of “next time”, and I like her assumption. 

I take the train home feeling really happy. We’ll date soon enough, that’s certain.

A few months passed. When I got back to the US, the first time we saw each other was at a party.  I was just putting on my shoes to leave when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned. “Hey.” That smile. We go for a midnight stroll.

I had been waiting to see her again for months, and I was expecting our reunion to feel just like before. It would be like— we’re finally together! 

That didn’t happen. We hugged a lot, and that was nice, but the whole interaction felt stilted and wrong. I really wanted to connect with her, but something wasn’t working.

She even told me that I seemed ‘so melancholy’ that night. And she was right, I had been depressed lately.

But I tried not to think too much of the disappointing interaction. The sun had set many hours ago, and we were tired. Surely we could find our spark again soon.

The next day around noon, we bumped into each other again. She smiled and invited me to sit next to her. 

After barely a minute I noticed that, actually, she’s sad. So I joked, “Look who’s melancholy now!” and chuckled. 

She didn’t react much to that. Instead, she stared off into the distance for a moment. Then she asked to be alone. 

Oh?

I wished her the best, we hugged one last time, and I left.

I spent the rest of the day sulking. What am I doing wrong?

It was so easy with her before! What changed? I wanted that back. The next day I sent her a text to meet again.

She didn’t respond. 

In the following month, I texted her a few more times, y’know, for good measure.

She viewed all my Instagram stories though, I always made sure to check. What did it mean?

I ruminated about what happened for months. 

I blamed myself for her ghosting me. I used it as evidence that I should dislike myself. I suffered a lot in that time.

And I couldn’t stop wondering, What had I done to cause her to ghost me? What should I have done instead? What can I do to make her like me again? ……

But these were the wrong questions. 

It’s been a year and a half since then. For what I learned about the right questions, see How can I feel okay regardless of how others behave?

“if only she liked me back, then everything would be okay” (false)

All details published with permission.