This mindset was the last bottleneck to eliminating my dating anxiety: I’m not trying to convince anyone to like me… I’m filtering for people who are already a good match.
When this mindset finally became accessible, the concepts of “flirting well”, “fumbling”, and “success” started to feel funny and even meaningless.
When my girlfriend and I got together, I felt extremely attracted to her but I wasn’t anxious about whether she liked me back. I had no pull to “convince” her to be with me. Instead, it felt like: “Are we in the timeline where we work out? Let’s see!” I realized I don’t want to date her if we’re not a good fit! This made the lead up to getting together felt really, really relaxed.
Put another way: I used to be like “I gotta maximize the chances my crush likes me back.”
Now I’m like “If we’re in a timeline where our relationship can easily work, I want to maximize the chances. If not, minimize the chances!”
I prefer to flirt with and attract people who are most charmed by my relaxed self.
I used to worry that my relaxed self wasn’t a good fit for anyone…
Counterintuitively, dating became easier once I secured myself with not dating.
Related: Dating is a Newcomb Problem:
I've thought for a little while that the idea of using your real, authentic self as a filter instead of trying in vain to get everyone to like you works in all kinds of scenarios, not just dating – whether it's looking for a job, making friends, or building an audience... basically anything that involves matching with other people.
makes sense, and I like the illustration.