Setting boundaries used to feel hard. Like holding up a heavy shield to defend myself — a huge effort! But then that changed, and now “setting boundaries” feels effortless: as if our emotions exist in parallel dimensions. I can see theirs, but they can't harm mine.
Before unlearning, setting boundaries was super aversive. Telling people “No”? Asserting my desires? Eek! Even just thinking about asserting myself raised my heart rate and turned my stomach.
I thought I was bad at boundaries because I lacked skill, but really I feared the consequences. When you set boundaries, people often feel bad, get mad, dislike you, get violent, blame you… and you can feel like a bad person, fear retribution, and fear gossip. “Practicing” setting boundaries wasn’t addressing the incentives at play.
After unlearning, boundaries became effortless. I can do boundaries, say No, and let others get triggered easily now. Conflict even became fun.
Others have reported similar effects.
Now it feels less like I’m “setting” boundaries and more like… I am boundaries. I am autonomous: I do things I want, because I want to, only when I want to. It’s even allowed me to become more empathetic and sensitive—I can get closer to others without fear of manipulation. Boundaries became effortless and many parts of my life improved.
For more about boundaries, see Claims #4 and #5 in this post.