Setting boundaries used to feel hard. Like holding up a heavy shield to defend myself — a huge effort! But then that changed, and now “setting boundaries” feels effortless: as if our emotions exist in parallel dimensions. I can see theirs, but they can't harm mine.
You might think that I achieved this through lots and lots of practice or “exposure”, but no, that could take years and I’m not about that.
In the beginning of my journey, setting boundaries was super aversive. Telling people “No”? Asserting my desires? Eek! Even just thinking about asserting myself raised my heart rate and turned my stomach.
When I finally noticed this pattern of symptoms, I thought: What if my system creates this symptom on purpose? What if setting boundaries feels hard because there are incentives for it to be hard? What if setting boundaries has unwanted consequences?
Let’s see:
Somebody asks me do something
I don’t feel a desire to do that thing, so I should set a boundary / decline
What am I afraid will happen? … Playing the mental movie … They feel bad, get mad, get violent, blame me1… and I feel like a bad person, fear retribution, fear gossip…
Ohh. No yeah I’m avoiding boundaries to avoid the consequences.
Meanwhile, when I became secure with these consequences happening, boundaries became automatic. I used to feel super anxious about setting boundaries, saying No, being in conflict, confronting people, being disliked, other people getting mad… but since then I basically haven't.2 Occasionally I find a new potential consequence that triggers symptoms for me, but I just work through it in a minute.
Now it feels less like I’m “setting” boundaries and more like… I am boundaries. I am autonomous: I do things I want, because I want to, only when I want to. Because of this, I’ve gotten more empathetic and can get closer to others without fear. My agency increased. My dating life improved.
Setting boundaries feels effortless now.
For more about boundaries, see Claims #4 and #5 in this post.
This also explains why it’s easy to set boundaries with people who are chill, and hard with people who take rejection personally. You “feel safe around them”.
The results were better than expected: The anxious feelings don’t come up in the first place. My reaction time improved, I feel more, etc.