“Arghhhh! Conflict. Conflict is hard. Conflict will ALWAYS hard. Hunker down and get used to feeling awful!!!”
No no, most conflicts aren’t hard. Conflict isn’t even bad. Conflict only seems hard because you have conflict anxiety. And conflict anxiety can be unlearned.
People who handle conflict well are magnetic. You trust them immediately. You can say anything to them without fear they’ll get triggered, avoidant, or secretly combust from suppressed anger three months later.
It’s wonderful. And you can be like this too!
When you become conflict-chill, something awesome happens: you get curious.
Instead of feeling “YOU’RE CROSSING MY BOUNDARIES,” you wonder: “Wait, what did they actually mean? Did I understand that as they intended?” Most conflicts are mistakes, so the first step should always be to ensure that you’ve understood the other correctly. But conflict anxiety blocks this natural curiosity.
How many dumb fights have you gotten into because of personal anxiety?
Think about teenagers’ arguments with parents – most arguments were unnecessary, and yet they felt vital at the time. What if the same is true now?
Many conflicts have little to do with ‘reality’, but mostly our own insecurities. When you unlearn your conflict anxiety, that just… stops. Then, conflict makes you feel like you’re there to investigate the problem, like a detective looking for clues, or a researcher testing a hypothesis. Other people might still get triggered in your direction, but you don’t feel threatened anymore.
Conflict anxiety is there for a reason, of course: often to mitigate rejection and self-loathing. But conflict anxiety can be replaced by more skillful strategies that achieve the same ends.
When conflict anxiety gets unlearned, conflicts become interesting, and even beautiful. They become fun, riveting ways to learn about others. They become exploration: both of you can quickly hone in on your differences, and learn a lot quickly. Conflicts become a great way to make friends — fights become play.
Surely there is a point after which it’s proven that these aren’t misunderstandings, and they really are willing to hurt you? Or at least deliberately intimidate you? Then do you get to be anxious without feeling like it’s your own fault?