Being present is not a skill
Some meditation advice has a vibe like... “To become more present, all you need to do is practice! It's just a skill, like learning to ride a bike 😊”
That’s how I wasted five months of my life. When I tried to force presence through practice, I made little progress.
What if being present isn’t a skill to build? What if it’s the natural state?
Presence is blocked by incentives. Presence is effortless once the incentives to be not-present are integrated.
I struggled to be present with emotions in my body. Daily meditation didn't help. Finally, I investigated the incentives. Response: Pain would be overwhelming; Feelings would make me less productive; Expressing emotions would anger others. It was only after integrating these incentives that presence with body sensations became much easier.
With others’ emotions, there was an expectation that if I truly experienced their pain then I'd be obligated to fix it. Once I unlearned this block, my empathy improved.
When working on my chronic neck tension, instead of trying to vaguely “be more present” with the pain, I looked for emotional incentives that discouraged fully feeling the pain. Response: Feeling the sensation would mean acknowledging I could leave unsafe social situations, which itself felt dangerous. After this and other incentives were untangled, the majority of the tension resolved. Remaining blocks continue to be integrated to this day.
Now, you might wonder: If presence isn't a skill, then why do some people benefit from meditation practice? Well, even if presence isn’t a “skill”, practicing meditation can provide space for identifying and releasing incentives (when done well). This would explain why some people can meditate for years without much progress, and why others can make quick progress once they notice and integrate their unique incentives.
One last thing: Once you have a moment of full presence, you may be tempted to think “Oh, I get it now! Being present is so simple! Just be present!” But that will overlook all the little incentives you integrated along the way. This is especially tricky because once these blocks are untangled, they are forgotten.
Natural presence is already present, waiting to be unblocked.
Similarly, some people give the advice “learn to set boundaries” when really you must unlearn your insecurities. (Much of the advice in The Courage to be Disliked makes a similar error, for example.)
I'm largely in agreement -- that cultivating presence is the natural outcome of removing the inner impediments to it (i.e., the emotional/psychological blocks that get in the way.)
However, I'd argue meditation (and similar activities) also develop meta-cognitive capacities and attentional regulation. Easiest example, phone/tech/social media use has a way of hijacking our attention independently of our emotional capacity. So meditation offers a deliberate means of training collectedness/concentration/awareness, which supports presence versus the external impediments.
(Of course, more emotional blocks/insecurities will lead to more escapist/avoidance behaviors as well, not to down play that.)
I love what you’ve written. Often my practice feels more like getting out of my own way than learning a new thing