discovering feelings in the body

coach: Where do you feel that in your body?
me: I literally have no clue what you’re talking about.

This is from a conversation I had with a coach last May:

me: I just quit my job. I have no idea what I want to do next. I'd like your advice on figuring this out.
coach: Hm, what would it feel like if you did know what you wanted to do next? I.e.: What would it feel like in your body?
me: Well, I'd be pulled to do the thing.
coach: No, how would you feel in your body?
me: What?
coach: Hm… Stepping asides from your work for a moment, would you like a happy romantic relationship?
me: Yes, to some degree.
coach: Does that feel wanted or unwanted?
me: It feels wanted.
coach: Where do you feel that in your body?
me: I literally have no clue what you’re talking about.
coach: Do you remember a time when you felt this?
me: Yes.
coach: Ok, where was it?
me: uhh………
[continues]

(Why are feelings important? They represent unconscious information!¹)

That was the first time I consciously recognized I was dissociated from my feelings. I thought, “Maybe I’m just different and I don’t have feelings in my body. Maybe that’s just a weird thing that happens to other people and not me.”

Nope. I too feel my feelings now. It seems I was suppressing it.

But back then I really couldn’t recall ever feeling anything like “expansiveness in my chest” or “excitement in my fingers”. Sure, I would get butterflies in my stomach and feel emotions “in my head”, but that was it.

And while I don’t have this symptom anymore, I’ve spoken to some others about it and it seems quite common to not experience this.

I think what happened for me is I had some unconscious beliefs that feelings are dangerous and that I would be harmed if I was aware of my feelings. Logically, that would incentivize me to be numb.

I explain how I integrated this here:

Integrate self-rejection, gain self-acceptance

That said, it’s common to be very blocked and need external aid.

These days, wow, there is so much intricacy to the emotional ripples and textures in just my stomach alone. I’ve had strange happinesses in my fingers. And self-loathing there, too. Anxiety in my upper chest. Love at a spot a little inner and a little lower than that…

So much I wasn’t tracking before.

I predict I still have a ways to go, though, and I'd like to eventually be able to know how I’m feeling everywhere simultaneously, but I’m not there yet. Inching towards.

The go-to “how to feel your feelings guide” is probably Focusing (audiobook is ~1h). A shorter introduction is also “Focusing,” for skeptics. But again, this won’t work if you’re blocked like I was.

related

average body-emotion mappings survey

There was a study surveyed many people about emotions and where they feel them on their body and averaged the results:

This is just an average, though, and all I learn from it is “most people experience emotions in their body”. I don’t take it much more seriously than that.

other kinds of “feelings”

My friend Damon notes that “feelings” can also refer to…

• excitement and energy levels (vibey stuff)

• where your attention and awareness are, generally

• noticing flashes of imagery in the mind

• noticing "non-real" visual phenomena that seem to mean something

what unwillingness to feel felt like

Depression was useful?

I created muscle tension to avoid my feelings

Thanks to Damon and Şefika for reviewing.

1. See Emotions Make Sense by my friend Damon.