I used to think “self-acceptance” was a skill. Later I realized it’s actually an anti-skill: self-acceptance is always there—but self-rejection covers it up. So self-acceptance can’t be learned. It’s the default. What has been learned is self-rejection.
So, what we usually call “learning self-acceptance” is actually the process of unlearning self-rejection. Each and every instance.
For example, I used to be fairly emotionally numb (that is, dismissive of my own feelings). At the same time, if you had asked me if I wanted to feel more of my feelings, even to feel all of my feelings, I’d definitely have said yes. I just couldn’t get myself to. For this situation, the common wisdom was to just “pay more attention to your feelings.” So I tried that for the next five months. But the only effect was wasting five months.
When I realized this wasn’t working, I thought to myself, “I’ve been avoiding my feelings for YEARS. What if this isn’t random and accidental… what if it’s strategic? What if my emotional numbness is motivated by incentives?” It sounded wild but, if this was true, it would make sense why brute forcing attention didn’t work: the incentives were never addressed.
But what were they? Why might I “want” to be numb? Consciously, I had no idea. So I worked with a counselor to investigate. After much wrangling—both of the counselor and of my own nervous system—I discovered my subconscious had concerns such as:
“Being aware of my feelings will make me less productive.”
“Expressing negative emotions will make others mad at me.”
“Negative emotions are just bad and will cause suffering.” …
And each of them seemed true, actually. For the first time, I could see why “I” had been avoiding my feelings. I even felt respect for these motivations.
And, contrary to what some readers who have had their brains fried by low-quality therapy might expect, all of these incentives were correct. Awareness of feelings…
Distracted me while I was working, making me less productive in the short-term. ✅
Caused me to express more negative emotions, making the people around me at the time more likely to get mad at me. ✅
Created suffering because, separately, I was resisting negative emotions pretty hard. … ✅
Increased awareness of my feelings created negative effects. Numbing myself was locally optimal.
Fortunately, it wasn’t globally optimal: it was possible to have my cake and eat it too, to feel my feelings without negative effects. After integrating the incentives through skillful coaching, the following mindsets appeared:
Perceiving feelings not as distractions, but as pointers to what grabs my attention — and is therefore most meaningful to me
If I find myself wanting to withhold emotions around others, I should either move or get better at defending myself
Negative emotions can be cool and interesting as sensations.
The subsecond-flinch of rejecting and numbing my feelings stopped (at least in these situations — I continue to untangle other, less frequent situations). I feel a lot more now.
I wasn’t bottlenecked on ‘practicing feeling’, I was bottlenecked on noticing, integrating, and untangling the incentives for not feeling. Self-rejection dissolved, and self-love shined through once again.
