Self-acceptance is UNLEARNING

Dec 21, 2023

I used to believe in “self-acceptance”. That I could “just accept myself” if only I knew how. So I tried many times, but it never seemed to do anything.

Now I know “self-acceptance” doesn’t exist in the positive: self-acceptance is UNLEARNING all self-rejection.

Example

I used to be fairly emotionally numb, and (in theory) I wanted to “feel all of my feelings”. The common advice for this is “pay more attention to your feelings”—“just accept them!”

But… if I hadn't been feeling my feelings for YEARS, shouldn't I beware Chesterton's Fence? What if not feeling my feelings was strategic?

So here’s a sketch of the process I used again and again to regain ability to feel my feelings:

1. I chose what I wanted: I wanted to be aware of all of my feelings in my body.

2. I found unconscious access to what I wanted: In this case, I looked for how what I wanted feels in my body, and fortunately I was able to feel this easily. (There are also other methods I could’ve used if I wasn’t able to do this. I will write about these in the future.)

Here I noticed a certain expansiveness in my chest.

3. I noticed unconscious blocks: I asked the expansive feeling I wanted, “What bad thing happens if we’re aware of our feelings?”

I heard:

"Being aware of my feelings will make us less productive"
"Expressing negative emotions will make others angry!"
"Negative feelings will be harmful!"

Oh!

These were some of the blocks holding me back from feeling as I wanted.

4. I chose how I wanted to address the blocks: Was there a way I could feel my feelings and get more of the benefits and less of the harms? In this case:

I wanted feeling my feelings to mean bringing me into greater alignment with what I find meaningful.
If my negative emotions were repelling others, I wanted to get away from those people.
And I wanted negative feelings to be seen as good things, not bad things.

I repeated this process many many times.

I feel a lot more now.

Self-acceptance is unlearning.

Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and many others for mentorship and support.

Part 2: