Self-acceptance isn't something you learn
I used to believe that “self-acceptance” was a learnable skill, something you could do. If I focused on it, surely I could “just accept myself”? So I tried and tried, but it never worked.
Later, I realized that self-acceptance is natural, but self-rejection is not. To self-accept, you must unlearn your self-rejection.
I used to be fairly emotionally numb, and, in theory, I wanted to “feel all of my feelings”. The common advice for this is “Pay more attention to your feelings”; “Accept them!”
But… if I hadn't been feeling my feelings for YEARS, shouldn't I beware Chesterton's Fence? What if not feeling my feelings was strategic!
Here’s a sketch of the process that was used again and again to unlearn:
1. I chose what I wanted: I wanted to be aware of all of my feelings in my body.
2. I found unconscious access to what I wanted: In this case, I looked for how what I wanted feels in my body, and fortunately I was able to feel this easily.
(If this didn’t work, there would also other ways, eg. I hope to write more about these when I have time.)
In this case, I noticed a certain expansiveness in my chest.
3. I noticed unconscious blocks: I asked the expansive feeling I wanted, “What bad thing happens if we’re aware of our feelings?” I listened.
I heard:
"Being aware of my feelings will make us less productive"
"Expressing negative emotions will make others angry!"
"Negative feelings will be harmful!"
Oh! These were some blocks holding back the state I wanted.
4. I chose how I wanted to integrate the blocks: Was there a way I could both feel my feelings and get more of the benefits and less of the harms? Here:
I wanted feeling my feelings to mean bringing me into greater alignment with what I find meaningful.
If my negative emotions were repelling others, I wanted to get away from those people.
And I wanted negative feelings to be seen as good things, not bad things.
These represented new desires, in addition to the original one from #1.
5. I repeated the entire process (starting at #2) with these new desires. I did this recursively!
I began this process with a counselor, and finished it on my own. I don’t recommend doing this alone.
After many iterations, my blocks were integrated and unlearned. I feel a lot more now.
Self-acceptance isn’t learned. Self-rejection is unlearned. Self-love was underneath all along…
Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and many others for mentorship and support.