The happiness underneath

If you’re unhappy, things and experiences will make you happier… right?

This model runs so deep most barely question it. We chase perfect partners, promotions, ideal body weight, social media likes, sex, … — all under the assumption that doing things is what provides happiness.

Unhappy → Do MORE → ‘Get’ happy?

But what if this is wrong? What if happiness is always underneath?

Consider: Once you release insecurity, anxiety, tension, or suffering, nothing remains but joy, peace, and relaxation:

• For muscles, relaxation is default. Tension is on top. Growth lies in removing unnecessary tension.

• Self-acceptance isn’t learned; self-rejection is unlearned.

• Flow is natural when you can feel your feelings and have no anxiety.

• Eye contact is effortless without emotional blocks.

• Empathy is natural without blocks.

Just as a computer system is secure when it has no insecurities, the same is true for your emotions: security is the absence of insecurities. Happiness = the absence of suffering.

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Buddhist scripture DN 9:

Now, Poṭṭhāpada, you might think: “Perhaps these defiling mental states might disappear…, and one might still be unhappy.” That is not how it should be regarded. If defiling states disappear…, nothing but happiness and delight develops, tranquility, mindfulness and clear awareness—and that is a happy state.

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You may think that “happiness is underneath” sounds woo

But you know what else is woo? The belief “Unhappiness is underneath”.

Both of these beliefs can be self-fulfilling. If you expect that unhappiness is underneath, you’re assuming happiness will require effort. Meanwhile if you expect that happiness is default, you know it’s already within you.

When you feel relaxed, which self-fulfilling prophecy do you find yourself in?

Aim at what you want, not what you don't

“BUT EVOLUTION COULD NEVER…”

When I propose this idea to someone who can’t yet recall experiencing it, they often retort something like, “This doesn’t make sense from a biological perspective! Evolutionarily, it doesn’t make sense for us to be “happy” so easily. We wouldn’t be motivated to accumulate resources and reproduce!!!……”

They feel convinced when I help them recall a time they felt default happiness. When was the last time you felt something like this?

That said, I do think it’s an interesting question: “If things don’t motivate people, why do people do things at all?”

I think it’s like… we’re beavers:

Source

Beavers build. It’s part of their dam identity. Do they do it “to be happy”? Who knows! Does it matter?

Humans just do stuff, it’s part of who we are. Happiness was never motivation — you just thought it was.

Everything is going to be okay

The baseline state — underneath learned patterns of anxiety, insecurity, and resistance — is fundamentally peaceful, capable, and resilient.

You can’t earn this state because it’s already underneath. There’s no need to achieve anything, fix anything, become anyone different. Just (very carefully) stop doing things that suppress it.

To be clear, I don't mean to imply your unpleasant external circumstances will magically improve without work. You might still have confidence issues while dating. Conflict with friends. Disagreements with coworkers. People you care about might still disappoint you.

Instead: Improving how you feel usually looks more like relaxing than tensing harder, trying harder.

That said, suffering and tension are often locally optimal, and can require a lot of skill to safely unlearn.

So if you can find a way to make relaxing safe, you won’t have to use your anxiety, suffering, insecurity strategies anymore…