You are happy by default
If you’re unhappy, things and experiences will make you happier… right?
This model runs so deep most barely question it. We chase perfect partners, promotions, ideal body weight, social media likes, sex, … — all under the assumption that doing things is what provides happiness.
Unhappy → Do MORE → ‘Get’ happy?
I think this is an incorrect model of how the mind works. Good feelings are default, actually.
“Default?”
When I say “default”, I do not mean “average” or “common”. It’s true that people are often quite unhappy!
By default, I mean underneath: once you release your insecurity, anxiety, tension, suffering, there’s nothing left but joy and peace:
For muscles, relaxation is the default. Tension is on top. Growth lies in unlearning the unnecessary tension.
Flow is natural when you can feel your feelings and have no anxiety.
Just as a computer system is secure when it has no insecurities, the same is true for your emotions: security is the absence of insecurities. Happiness = the absence of suffering.
Buddhist scripture DN 9:
Now, Poṭṭhāpada, you might think: “Perhaps these defiling mental states might disappear…, and one might still be unhappy.” That is not how it should be regarded. If defiling states disappear…, nothing but happiness and delight develops, tranquility, mindfulness and clear awareness—and that is a happy state.
You may think that “happiness is default” sounds woo
But you know what else is woo? The belief “Unhappiness is default”.
Both of these beliefs can be self-fulfilling. If you expect that unhappiness is default, you’re assuming it will require effort. But if you expect that happiness is default, you know it’s already within you.
When you’re relaxed, which self-fulfilling prophecy do you find in yourself?
“BUT EVOLUTION COULD NEVER…”
When I propose this idea to someone who can’t yet recall experiencing it, they often retort something like, “This doesn’t make sense from a biological perspective! Evolutionarily, it doesn’t make sense for us to be “happy” by default. We wouldn’t be motivated to accumulate resources and reproduce!!!……”
They feel convinced when I help them recall a time they felt default happiness. When was the last time you felt something like this?
That said, I do think it’s an interesting question: “If things don’t motivate people, why do people do things at all?”
I think it’s like… we’re beavers:
Source
Beavers build. It’s part of their dam identity. Do they do it “to be happy”? Who knows! Does it matter?
Humans just do stuff, it’s part of who we are. Happiness was never motivation — you just thought it was.
Everything is going to be okay
The baseline state — underneath learned patterns of anxiety, insecurity, and resistance — is fundamentally peaceful, capable, and resilient.
You can’t earn your way to this state because it’s already underneath. There’s no need to achieve anything, fix anything, become anyone different. Just (very carefully) stop doing things that suppress it.
To be clear, I don't mean to imply your unpleasant external circumstances will magically improve without work. You might still have confidence issues while dating. Conflict with friends. Disagreements with coworkers. People you care about might still disappoint you.
Instead: Improving how you feel usually looks more like relaxing than tensing harder, trying harder.
That said, suffering and tension are often locally optimal, and can require a lot of skill to safely unlearn.
So if you can find a way to make relaxing safe, you won’t have to use your anxiety, suffering, insecurity strategies anymore…
Social anxiety isn't about being liked
There's this popular idea that socially anxious folks are just dying to be liked. It seems logical, right? Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them?
I had a moment of Clarity when I realised that the story about why I'm happy is really for everyone else. You'll know something has shifted when you stop asking other people why they're happy and simply smile along with them.
When you think about it deeply, you only ever feel the need to justify joy to others - never to yourself. Your internalised representations of other people demand that your joy conform with their expectations. Others hold their own joy hostage in this way, and judge you when you do not. They expect joy to be earned, hard-won, reasonable. They can't allow themselves to feel joy without a good story about why.
Not needing a story to explain your joy helps others to loosen their bondage. After all, their story is designed for *you*. When they see that you don't expect them to justify their happiness to you, they start to realise that the story they torture themselves with has no real audience. They've been performing on stage, but no one is watching. And anyone watching is only doing so because they think that you are watching them on their stage and will boo them if they don't meet your expectations.
Stop performing for others. When you realise you don't need a story to justify your joy to others, you also realise that it only ever was for others - you never needed the story for yourself.
Excellent post, Chris. That's one of the core principles which enables effective transformational work. Especially if the therapist / coach has found his own way back to the experiential embodiment of it. Quite a rare thing though.