I had a moment of Clarity when I realised that the story about why I'm happy is really for everyone else. You'll know something has shifted when you stop asking other people why they're happy and simply smile along with them.
When you think about it deeply, you only ever feel the need to justify joy to others - never to yourself. Your internalised representations of other people demand that your joy conform with their expectations. Others hold their own joy hostage in this way, and judge you when you do not. They expect joy to be earned, hard-won, reasonable. They can't allow themselves to feel joy without a good story about why.
Not needing a story to explain your joy helps others to loosen their bondage. After all, their story is designed for *you*. When they see that you don't expect them to justify their happiness to you, they start to realise that the story they torture themselves with has no real audience. They've been performing on stage, but no one is watching. And anyone watching is only doing so because they think that you are watching them on their stage and will boo them if they don't meet your expectations.
Stop performing for others. When you realise you don't need a story to justify your joy to others, you also realise that it only ever was for others - you never needed the story for yourself.
Excellent post, Chris. That's one of the core principles which enables effective transformational work. Especially if the therapist / coach has found his own way back to the experiential embodiment of it. Quite a rare thing though.
It's analogous to health. When you get injured or get sick, what do you have to do to heal? Mostly nothing. The healing happens by itself and what we can mostly do is remove interference (e.g. clean the wound and protect it from infection). The body is always trending towards a state of health. The more interference we remove, the healthier we become. This only seems strange in a world full of health interference (e.g. air/noise/light pollution, unhealthy food everywhere, poor sleep...). It seems effortful to be healthy because of all the interference, not because health is hard to achieve in principle.
I would argue something very different: namely, that happiness is an achievement, and you don’t recognize it as such because you’ve already achieved it.
It’s your “default” because you’ve built yourself a life that’s default fulfilling for you. Do you really think that if you were no longer able to write or think about these sorts of ideas, or meet and bring together interesting people, or live in a city bustling with such activity and people, that you’d be default happy? I’m quite confident you wouldn’t be (until and unless you somehow managed to get these needs/values fulfilled some other way).
Interesting… I’d be fine with saying “security / relaxation is your natural condition / state”, or something like that, since in fact they are generally safe and doing just fine. Maybe “default” also works in this context, and I’m just extra-sensitive to it given I’ve been using the term in such a starkly different way- https://builders.genagorlin.com/p/death-is-the-default
This is - and I say so in the gentlest way imaginable :) - a neurotic way of thinking about happiness.
When I say it’s an achievement, I mean it’s a human need that does not get fulfilled by default, just as the human needs for food and water (and meaning and purpose) don’t get fulfilled by default. I do not mean it comes from other people’s approval or permission—in fact a big part of my framework is that happiness *doesn’t* come primarily from other people’s approval, and you *don’t* need permission in order to pursue and enjoy your own happiness on your own terms.
To say I’m “withholding” happiness from myself by recognizing that there are things I need to do in order to achieve and maintain it, is like saying I’m “withholding” nutrition from myself by recognizing that that there are things I need to do (namely, find and eat food) in order to achieve and maintain it.
The deeper problem I see here is the assumption that other people’s arbitrary standards are the only possible guide to one’s own goals and values. (I’ve written about this at length, in case you’re curious: https://builders.genagorlin.com/p/a-different-and-better-way-to-live )
P.S. I think there’s also an element of what you’re saying that I agree with but would conceptualize differently: when I’m “in the shits,” I also find it helpful to access my happiness first, but the reason I’m able to do this is because I already in fact have a lot of joy-bringing values in my life that I can remember and relish - a loving and wonderful family, ideas I’m deeply curious about, projects that excite me, art that moves and inspires me, etc.
I can also distinctly recall earlier points in my life when trying to “find my happiness” would’ve only made me sadder, because it would’ve shined a light on just how unfulfilled and lonely I actually was. But even in those times, what I *could* access were real values and sources of joy that I had already experienced or at least tasted, which then reassured me that it was possible to fill my life with more of those things (and also helped point me in promising directions!).
The problem with happiness as achievement is that it's making an agreement with yourself to withhold happiness until X condition is fulfulled. I'll be happy when I have achieved [insert desired conditions]. This works brilliantly for justifying your happiness to others. It does, however, confine your happiness to those conditions.
I ask in the gentlest way imaginable: If you've never allowed yourself to be happy without a story, why not? How might you feel if you decided here today that life was too short to allow the need for justification to erode your joy? If you didn't need anyones permission, could happiness find you right now, this instant?
Whenever I've found myself in the shit, the fastest way out was to find my happiness first, and from that place change my circumstances. If you're in the shit anyway, this is worth trying out - you've nothing to lose.
I had a moment of Clarity when I realised that the story about why I'm happy is really for everyone else. You'll know something has shifted when you stop asking other people why they're happy and simply smile along with them.
When you think about it deeply, you only ever feel the need to justify joy to others - never to yourself. Your internalised representations of other people demand that your joy conform with their expectations. Others hold their own joy hostage in this way, and judge you when you do not. They expect joy to be earned, hard-won, reasonable. They can't allow themselves to feel joy without a good story about why.
Not needing a story to explain your joy helps others to loosen their bondage. After all, their story is designed for *you*. When they see that you don't expect them to justify their happiness to you, they start to realise that the story they torture themselves with has no real audience. They've been performing on stage, but no one is watching. And anyone watching is only doing so because they think that you are watching them on their stage and will boo them if they don't meet your expectations.
Stop performing for others. When you realise you don't need a story to justify your joy to others, you also realise that it only ever was for others - you never needed the story for yourself.
Excellent post, Chris. That's one of the core principles which enables effective transformational work. Especially if the therapist / coach has found his own way back to the experiential embodiment of it. Quite a rare thing though.
It's analogous to health. When you get injured or get sick, what do you have to do to heal? Mostly nothing. The healing happens by itself and what we can mostly do is remove interference (e.g. clean the wound and protect it from infection). The body is always trending towards a state of health. The more interference we remove, the healthier we become. This only seems strange in a world full of health interference (e.g. air/noise/light pollution, unhealthy food everywhere, poor sleep...). It seems effortful to be healthy because of all the interference, not because health is hard to achieve in principle.
I would argue something very different: namely, that happiness is an achievement, and you don’t recognize it as such because you’ve already achieved it.
It’s your “default” because you’ve built yourself a life that’s default fulfilling for you. Do you really think that if you were no longer able to write or think about these sorts of ideas, or meet and bring together interesting people, or live in a city bustling with such activity and people, that you’d be default happy? I’m quite confident you wouldn’t be (until and unless you somehow managed to get these needs/values fulfilled some other way).
Hmmm, would you say the same if I had titled the post "You are secure by default" or "You are relaxed by default"?
Interesting… I’d be fine with saying “security / relaxation is your natural condition / state”, or something like that, since in fact they are generally safe and doing just fine. Maybe “default” also works in this context, and I’m just extra-sensitive to it given I’ve been using the term in such a starkly different way- https://builders.genagorlin.com/p/death-is-the-default
This is - and I say so in the gentlest way imaginable :) - a neurotic way of thinking about happiness.
When I say it’s an achievement, I mean it’s a human need that does not get fulfilled by default, just as the human needs for food and water (and meaning and purpose) don’t get fulfilled by default. I do not mean it comes from other people’s approval or permission—in fact a big part of my framework is that happiness *doesn’t* come primarily from other people’s approval, and you *don’t* need permission in order to pursue and enjoy your own happiness on your own terms.
To say I’m “withholding” happiness from myself by recognizing that there are things I need to do in order to achieve and maintain it, is like saying I’m “withholding” nutrition from myself by recognizing that that there are things I need to do (namely, find and eat food) in order to achieve and maintain it.
The deeper problem I see here is the assumption that other people’s arbitrary standards are the only possible guide to one’s own goals and values. (I’ve written about this at length, in case you’re curious: https://builders.genagorlin.com/p/a-different-and-better-way-to-live )
P.S. I think there’s also an element of what you’re saying that I agree with but would conceptualize differently: when I’m “in the shits,” I also find it helpful to access my happiness first, but the reason I’m able to do this is because I already in fact have a lot of joy-bringing values in my life that I can remember and relish - a loving and wonderful family, ideas I’m deeply curious about, projects that excite me, art that moves and inspires me, etc.
I can also distinctly recall earlier points in my life when trying to “find my happiness” would’ve only made me sadder, because it would’ve shined a light on just how unfulfilled and lonely I actually was. But even in those times, what I *could* access were real values and sources of joy that I had already experienced or at least tasted, which then reassured me that it was possible to fill my life with more of those things (and also helped point me in promising directions!).
The problem with happiness as achievement is that it's making an agreement with yourself to withhold happiness until X condition is fulfulled. I'll be happy when I have achieved [insert desired conditions]. This works brilliantly for justifying your happiness to others. It does, however, confine your happiness to those conditions.
I ask in the gentlest way imaginable: If you've never allowed yourself to be happy without a story, why not? How might you feel if you decided here today that life was too short to allow the need for justification to erode your joy? If you didn't need anyones permission, could happiness find you right now, this instant?
Whenever I've found myself in the shit, the fastest way out was to find my happiness first, and from that place change my circumstances. If you're in the shit anyway, this is worth trying out - you've nothing to lose.