I lay there, eyes closed, trying to recall a time when I really felt. The question that had been nagging at me for months hung in the air: “What bad thing happens if I feel my feelings?”
"“Everyone around is in so much pain all the time if you look for it,” I mumbled aloud. "The flight attendant on the way here… random people... I don’t want to experience all of that constantly. Especially if I also feel responsible for fixing it.""
This just leapt right out at me with a shock of recognition - I've been aware for months now that I've been suppressing a lot of my emotional response, for exactly this reason.
I have yet to figure out a way to allow myself to feel fully without being deluged by the empathic overload from all the pain I sense out there. There's just so much, the only response is to block most of it out, and maybe, in smaller, intimate moments - 1:1, or close friends, etc - that's when I can open a door in the wall and focus on feeling them and only them.
But finding a better balance for that is a medium term goal I'm working towards.
"“Everyone around is in so much pain all the time if you look for it,” I mumbled aloud. "The flight attendant on the way here… random people... I don’t want to experience all of that constantly. Especially if I also feel responsible for fixing it.""
This just leapt right out at me with a shock of recognition - I've been aware for months now that I've been suppressing a lot of my emotional response, for exactly this reason.
I have yet to figure out a way to allow myself to feel fully without being deluged by the empathic overload from all the pain I sense out there. There's just so much, the only response is to block most of it out, and maybe, in smaller, intimate moments - 1:1, or close friends, etc - that's when I can open a door in the wall and focus on feeling them and only them.
But finding a better balance for that is a medium term goal I'm working towards.