I created muscle tension to avoid my feelings

I resolved my chronic (3.5y) neck pain two months ago. Now it’s obvious to me that I was creating the tension all along. Here’s my model of what was causing my tension:

1. There would be a feeling in my neck.

Like all feelings, the sensation in my neck represented some piece of information meant to be communicated to the rest of my nervous system. Being aware of the feeling seemed to be equivalent to being aware of that piece of information. 

And I don’t know why, but it happened to manifest spatially within my neck.

2. Some part of me wanted to not feel that feeling.

Some part of my (for some purpose) had a prediction that being aware of this feeling/information would be bad.

3. It created muscle tension around the feeling.

In order to avoid the feeling, that part of me created muscle tension around the location of the feeling in my neck.

4. So the feeling grew.

Like all feelings, this one was (and often still is) there in order to be noticed and integrated. Unsurprisingly, the feeling responded to being covered up by tension by making itself more intense.

5. So the tension grew.

To avoid the stronger feeling, the part of me creating the tension tensed my neck even more.

6. A feedback loop!

So the feeling became stronger… and tension became stronger… and the feeling became stronger……

Yeah, there have been some days in the past few years where my neck was so tense I couldn’t turn my head.

What do you mean “I was creating the tension all along”?

While I had my neck tension, it did not feel like I was (consciously) doing the steps above. 

However, a few times since the tension resolved, I’ve caught my neck beginning to tense again in the old way. But I notice as this is happening. And then I notice that I’m labeling the feeling as “harmful” and that I’m trying to avoid the feeling inside my own mind. 

Because I notice this, I choose to stop labeling the feeling as “harmful”. And instead of avoiding it, I bring my attention into it more.

“Try to make me as anxious as possible.”

That last mental motion feels like being warm and dry on a beach, then slowly and deliberately wading into even colder water, feeling each inch of my body as I go deeper.

After I do that, the feeling actually recedes, and so does the tension.

Because of this introspection, I can see that I create the tension — and I must have always been creating it. I’ve become reconnected with the part of me that was afraid of that feeling. 

What did the unwanted feeling represent?

In my particular case, I suspect the feeling in my neck represented the information “I have the choice to leave the social situation I’m in right now” and/or “I am disliking/suppressing myself.” 

• I had noticed a year ago that my neck was most commonly tense in social situations I found uncomfortable, so that makes sense now.

• I suspect there was an additional feedback loop like “I dislike something about myself” → *tensing my neck* → “I dislike that my neck is tense” → more tensing → …

Untangling the fear of being disliked

Why were you avoiding the feeling?

I don’t know why I was still avoiding it, except for the presence of the feedback loop I described.

However, I suspect I know one incentive I used to have to avoid the feeling: The feeling represented the awareness that I was insecure, and there were probably situations (probably social situations) in which it partially benefited me to be partially unaware of the fact that I was insecure. I won’t go into the details on this here.

Update:

What if muscle tension is sometimes signal jamming?

Anyways, I’m significantly less socially-emotionally insecure than I used to be, so this incentive was no longer relevant, which made untangling the tension much easier.

Yes, even self-loathing has a payoff

Where was the tension, exactly?

In my neck and upper back. And before it resolved it even started to pinch my vagus nerve. 

Did you also try physical therapy, etc.?

Yes, I tried physical therapy for the first few months. It helped a little, maybe? And I kept doing the PT stretches, but they didn’t solve my tension. Ultimately my tension seems to have been almost entirely emotional.

I also tried non-trivial amounts of exercise, stretching, self-massage, and professional bodywork. None helped significantly.

How did you finally resolve your neck tension?

Brief thoughts:

Under my model, my muscle tension was caused by (1) a spark of aversion, plus (2) a feedback loop that turned aversion into more aversion. 

To solve my neck tension, I needed to untangle both.

Untangling the spark: I stopped seeing the feelings I was avoiding as harmful. I also stopped seeing my neck tension as bad. This stopped the feedback loops at their source.

I did this via somatic therapy techniques while working with a counselor. I untangled some peculiar unconscious confusions that were unique to me. I happen to have a recording of the hour where this took place, and I couldn’t even tell you what I unlearned, my prior unconscious beliefs mostly seem nonsensical now. 

Untangling the feedback loops: I learned to notice and step outside of harmful feedback loops.

I did this while meditating under certain conditions that I can’t say directly. This deserves a future post of its own.

Caveats

• It's only been two months; it’s possible the tension could return.

• My neck still gets tense sometimes, but it never reaches the point of pain anymore. When it does get tense, I'm much more aware of it and can relax it more easily.

• I haven't resolved all bothersome tension in my body yet, so this theory may not be a complete solution for all muscle tension issues. That said, my body has very little muscle tension overall.¹

Thanks to Max L and Stag Lynn for reviewing.

Closely related posts:

Integrate self-rejection, gain self-acceptance

1. Somehow I receive compliments on the relaxed state of my back and shoulders like once a month.