“Try to make me as anxious as possible.”

We had broken up a month earlier, but decided to spend Thanksgiving together as friends. On the first day, she tells me about her new partner. I ask. She shares.

A pang stabs my stomach. At first I thought it might be food poisoning. I sit down on the sidewalk and hold my stomach. 

…

The feeling comes back the next evening as we’re eating with my family. I resist it again. We go for a walk by the sea, and, holding that sharp weight in my stomach, I ramble at her incoherently. 

An hour in, I’m reminded of a recent experience with my neck pain. It had been so cramped I could barely turn my head. After two days of this, I made a counterintuitive discovery: some relief came when I carefully stretched into the pain as much as I could tolerate, and tried to feel it fully. Would the same work here?

I exclaim, “OH! Tell me as much as you're willing about him and your relationship. Try to make me as anxious as possible.” 

She starts listing details, and I feel into everything she says. 

Before, I was vaguely anxious and I didn’t know why. But now, I know precisely what is activating these strong feelings in me. I take notes and plan to use the list as a guide for investigating my unconscious predictions later.

…Until, finally, we're done. Neither she, I, nor my anxiety has anything more to add or ask. My anxiety has run out (free energy minimized!) and there is nothing confusing or painful about the situation anymore. She notices. I’m finally able to hug her without shaking.

A feeling of completeness ensues. Insecurities found. 

“Thank you.”

Theory

This approach had two positive effects:

1) When I noticed I was avoiding my anxiety, that gave me the option to stop.

When I said, “Tell me as much as you're willing about him and your relationship.”, the sharp feeling in my stomach hadn't budged at all. 

Instead, I no longer saw it as harmful, but something to stretch into.

I had been treating anxiety as an ‘avoid this’ signal, but it could also be a signal that I can improve how I'm interpreting this situation. To locate and address my emotional insecurities.

2) I gained useful information about where my insecurities were. 

From my previous experience with rapid growth, outgrowing depression, and updating unconscious predictions, I knew that if I paid attention to where I felt anxiety, then I could investigate the unconscious causes. Then, my insecurities would either unravel and disappear— or at least I would learn that the feeling of anxiety itself isn't harmful and need not be resisted. 

After all, it can’t be the facts of the world that are making me anxious. It must be how I'm interpreting the world and aspects of my experience. 

Warnings for trying this at home

Notice that I didn’t ask her to talk about her new relationship out of the blue — she had already been telling me a bit about him and how happy she was. If my ex hadn’t wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t have pushed her on it.

Also, it’s possible to do something like I did in a way that would be needy, insecure, and too close to “Why aren’t we together anymore?” Instead, I was motivated by genuine curiosity (and, crucially, I did not want to change anything about my friend or our relationship).

Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.

See what I’m up to now.