Just one more exposure bro
“Just expose yourself to more social situations!” — Ah yes, you felt anxious the first 100 times, but the 101st will be the breakthrough!
“But exposure works!” people yell from across the street. “Like for fear of snakes - you know, those things you see once a year!”
Uh, it’s pretty rational to fear things you have little experience with. But social anxiety… you interact with people everyday! Why would anything change after the first 100 attempts?
I don’t doubt that a couple of exposures can often reduce anxieties. However, if you still feel anxious even after hundreds of social situations and years of trying... then maybe your fear is actually doing something presently useful and you should reconnect with your intuitions.
At a 100% eye contact workshop I led earlier this year, most people became comfortable quickly with essentially a guided meditation.
But one guy was still struggling. I had him tune into his feelings and ask them: “What bad thing happens if I feel good about eye contact?”
To his own surprise, “heartbreak” was the word that came out.
He felt it out: "We make eye contact… we fall in love… we break up."
This guy could’ve easily spent years forcing himself to make eye contact without discovering that he needed to make heartbreak safe. Had he just followed the standard advice — "Just expose yourself more!" — he likely would’ve gotten hurt!
So once he found a way to make eye contact with heartbreak being safe, for the rest of the night he effortlessly maintained continuous and unbroken eye contact just like every other attendee of the workshop.
This is what I mean when I say emotional issues are often locally optimal strategies — they're often serving a kinda reasonable purpose, even if you don’t “know” it.
Another person I helped had dealt with social anxiety his entire life. Before talking to me, he had tried “1 year of actively seeking exposure to scary situations” and “8 years of talk therapy”.
Instead of more exposure, in a long conversation I helped him locate and reconnect with the strategies of his anxiety (in this case it seemed to be unconscious predictions that if others disliked him, it would be bad). Once he learned to feel okay regardless of others’ reactions — which he determined was safe in his life circumstances (which isn’t the case for everyone tbc) — then he didn't need the “social anxiety strategy” anymore.
Over the next month, he practiced this new way of relating to his social anxiety. When difficult situations arose, he would tune into both the anxiety and the feeling of unconditional okayness:
I had a discussion with another co-worker where he made me feel quite stupid and I left kind of dreading our next interaction. After noticing this I used the technique I had learned of holding both my embarrassment/dread and the emotion I wanted to feel instead, excitement, together 'in my body.' I rid myself of the dread in a couple minutes, and came back the next day eager to talk.
Another example:
This is the kind of “exposure” that I endorse: trying on the feelings you want in everyday life to discover where you’re blocked. But again, it only worked because he was intentional about it! “The technique I had learned of holding both my embarrassment/dread and the emotion I wanted to feel instead, excitement, together 'in my body.'”
A month after we spoke he sent this update:
I'm actually feeling excited about entering social situations where the chances of things going worse than I would want are high.
He also sent $3,000 as thanks, and hasn’t asked for another (free) session since. We plan to record a 6-month reflection podcast soon. Update: available here.
I'm pretty sure that more exposure alone wouldn’t have helped him.
Thanks to Stag Lynn and my clients for support.
Links mentioned:
